I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
