We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
