Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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