we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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