I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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