Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
how drunk are you?
Several
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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