I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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