I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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