i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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