i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
porn star boner night. come get it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
