you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I looked at my own cervix.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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