I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
