How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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