Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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