I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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