Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
