Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
