There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
