Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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