Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
