Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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