Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
