Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The air was thick with penises
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
