We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
