I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
