Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
