To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
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just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .