I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.