I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
