Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
