...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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