Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
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suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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