My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
