if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
