Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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