It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
