Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
