Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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