i barfeds in our rink
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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