how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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