the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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