There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
