the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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