My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
