i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
