I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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