True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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