Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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