He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
