Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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