He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
