evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
