put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
