I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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