he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
